The Problem with Gap Thinking (And Why Black Sheep Need Gain Thinking More Than Anyone)

Here's something I didn't expect when Shelby and I both picked up The Gap and The Gain by Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy: how differently the same concepts would land for each of us. But maybe that's the point—personal development isn't one-size-fits-all, and the parts that hit you hardest are usually the ones you need most.

If you're not familiar with the book, here's the core idea: We have two ways to measure our progress through life. The Gap focuses on the distance between where you are and where you want to be (your ideal). The Gain focuses on how far you've come from where you started. One leaves you perpetually dissatisfied. The other builds momentum and confidence.

Simple enough, right? But like most simple concepts, the real work happens in the application!

Shelby's Breakthrough: Catching the Stories Before They Catch You

Shelby's biggest takeaway hit during an unexpected moment—a car accident. Not the kind of dramatic wake-up call you'd expect to find in a personal development story, but sometimes the universe doesn't wait for convenient timing.

In that moment after the accident, she noticed her brain immediately jumping to its familiar narrative: "I was having an amazing day, so something bad had to happen, of course. I can't just have good things." It’s that good old pattern of catastrophizing, of measuring life by what goes wrong rather than what goes right.

Sounds familiar, right? It’s a tendency most of us have.

But here's what was different this time: she caught it. She recognised the Gap thinking and consciously chose to step out of it. "Being able to say no to that," she told me when we were chatting about the book, "felt powerful."

This is the real work, isn't it? Not just understanding the concept intellectually, but developing the awareness to notice when you're in the Gap and having the tools to pull yourself back to the Gain. It's not about toxic positivity or pretending everything's fine; it's about training your brain to see the full picture instead of just the problems.

Think about how many times a day your mind defaults to Gap thinking:

• "I should be further along in my career by now."

• "I still haven't figured out my life."

• "Everyone else seems to have it together."

The Gap isn't just about big life disappointments, either. It's the constant background noise that tells you you're not enough, not there yet, not doing it right.

My Learning: The Difference Between Passionate Interest and Obsessive Interest

What struck me most as I was reading was the distinction between passionate interest and obsessive interest. The authors in The Gap and The Gain talk about how Gap thinking can turn even our interests into sources of frustration when we become obsessed with outcomes rather than enjoying the process.

Now, I'll be honest: I believe there's some value in becoming "obsessed" with something, but not the kind of obsession that shuts out everything else in your life. I'm talking about the kind of deep interest that makes you want to go further, dig deeper, understand more. The kind that lights you up rather than burns you out.

The difference is this: passionate obsession comes from curiosity and joy. It's sustainable because it feeds you. Compulsive obsession comes from the Gap. It comes from feeling like you're not good enough yet, like you need to prove something, like you're always behind.

Here's how you can tell which one you're experiencing:

Passionate interest energizes you, makes you lose track of time in the best way, and leaves room for other parts of your life. You pursue it because it makes you feel alive and gives your life meaning and purpose.

Obsessive interest drains you, creates anxiety about not doing enough or being good enough, and starts crowding out relationships, rest, and other interests. You pursue it because you feel like you have to.

One comes from the Gain mindset, helping you celebrate how far your curiosity has taken you. The other comes from the Gap, which has you constantly fixating on how much further along you think you should be.

Why This Matters for Black Sheep

If you've ever felt like you don't quite fit the conventional mould,you're probably especially susceptible to Gap thinking. Society (and social media, and “hustle” culture) has plenty of templates for what success, happiness, and a "good life" should look like. When your path doesn't match those templates, it's easy to measure yourself by what you're not instead of celebrating what you are.

But here's what we want you to consider: As a Black Sheep, you’re not built for templates. You’re built to do you, in the very specific way that you are you. Comparisons, even to yourself, don’t make sense when you don’t fit a mould.

This is where the Black Sheep mindset and the Gain mindset intersect beautifully. Both require you to:

• Measure progress on your own terms, not society's

• Recognise that your unique path has value, even when it doesn't look like everyone else's

• Focus on how far you've come rather than how far you have to go

• Understand that your quirks and interests aren't problems to solve but gifts to develop

The concepts in The Gap and The Gain become even more powerful when you apply them through the lens of authentic self-acceptance rather than conventional achievement.

A Practice for the Week Ahead

If this resonates with you, here's a simple practice to try: For the next week, notice when your mind slips into Gap thinking. Don't judge it. Just notice it. Then ask yourself: "What would the Gain perspective be here?"

Instead of "I should have my life figured out by now," try "Look how much I've learned about myself in the past year."

Instead of "I'm not where I want to be in my career," try "I've taken some brave steps toward work that actually matters to me."

Instead of "I'm falling behind everyone else," try "I'm creating a life that's uniquely mine."

The goal isn't to eliminate all ambition or stop wanting to grow. It's to build from a foundation of appreciation rather than dissatisfaction. It's to pursue your interests from curiosity rather than compulsion. It's to measure your progress by your own evolving definition of success.

Because here's the thing about being a black sheep: the flock was never going to be the right measure of your worth anyway. Your value lies not in how well you fit their mould, but in how fully you embrace your own.

Check Out Our Bookshelf for More Inspiration

If you're curious about more books that challenge conventional wisdom and help you think differently about personal growth, check out our curated bookshelf where we share the resources that have shaped our own journey.

Ready to shift from Gap to Gain thinking in your own life? Our Authentic You program helps you identify and celebrate your unique strengths while building sustainable habits for growth. It's designed specifically for people who are tired of trying to fit into someone else's definition of success and ready to create their own.